A Tribute to Andrew Quainton from His Mother Cathy

The below was written by our dear friend Cathy Quainton.  The first paragraph was her post on Saturday, Dec. 29 on Facebook.  The rest she sent to me in an email on Dec. 30.  Her son Andrew passed on Christmas Eve.  He was 36 and lived in Fairbanks, Alaska.  He survived the Twin Towers attack in New York City on 9/11, and decided he wanted a change of pace.  It seemed as if Fairbanks was perfect for him.  I fine her strength amazing, and her words poetic.  With Cathy's permission, I am posting this as a tribute to Andrew.  

____________


My incredibly wonderful son, Andrew Quainton, was declared brain dead on Christmas Eve. I was with him for three days while recipients were found for his heart, lungs, liver and kidneys. All organs have been accepted for transplant. Andrew was so blessed to have lived in Fairbanks for nine years, and made the most marvelous friends whose outpouring of love is inspiring. Over 100 attended the memorial Friday night, and a summer six-month memorial is planned where all of the family will attend. These are days made blessed by so many memories shared, with laughter and tears and lots of hugs.

Andrew had so many friends here.  Angelee and Murray in particular have been amazing, scooping me up, inviting me to Christmas Day dinner with their family, organizing the memorial, reading prayers of departure before Andrew was taken to the OR, driving me to the funeral home, finding a realtor and probate attorney, and helping in so many other ways.  They have provided my safety net, literally sweeping clear the path before me.  They came back with me from the hospital when all was done, and we shared stories and laughter, wine and food.

 

Angelee is putting together a book from the photos shared at Friday's memorial gathering at Gambardella's along with the letters people wrote.  One of Andrew's friends recorded Murray's and my comments which I believe will be posted as well.  Andrew is coming home with me and will rest on the soon-to-be-built shelving in the fireplace niches.  What I am calling the Andrew Reliquary is taking shape and would I think delight him. 

 

Andrew's friends are also organizing a six-month memorial where all of his family can join his friends in remembering Andrew.  Every summer Andrew set up The Pavilion in the back yard, one of those tents with the mosquito netting where he would set up 3 chairs, a table, his radio and books and basically spend the summer once it was warm enough.  People knew to come around to the back yard and he would always be there.  It is a wonderful way to remember him.  Before the house is sold they'll scoop up the tent, chairs, etc. and set up in whomever's yard unless of course one of his friends buys his house in which case it will be here.

 

There were over a hundred people at Andrew's  memorial.  I spent ten minutes talking with the mayor, several from the city counsel, numerous political friends, folks from the museum, the University Chancellor, a slew of lawyers, the Pride friends, fellow workers at the Interior AIDS Association, much of the Opera Fairbanks team, and many from KUAC, the NPR station here which Andrew loved dearly.  He was one of their top donation gatherers during the twice-yearly appeals, where his encyclopedic knowledge of opera and contemporary classical music (Philip Glass, Arvo Part, etc.) brought in some of the biggest donations. 

 

Andrew was inducted into the Art Buswell Society at KUAC and also won the Spirit Award one year.  The Art Buswell pin was on the lamp next to his bed.  I took it to the funeral home yesterday and it will be with his ashes.  I think that would make him very happy.

 

I have learned about the power of prayer and by extension affirmed the existence of He who hears prayer.  We are so blessed to have a loving and benevolent God.  He also granted my prayer that any damage to Andrew's organs be healed (there was concern about heart damage).  When the time came, everything was fine and depending on whether there is a heart/lung transplant or those organs go to separate recipients, four to five people will have new life.  I feel a profound joy in that final gift.

 

I am still adjusting to the 3-hour time change, but I have always loved visiting Andrew during the winter.  It is so incredibly beautiful, but also I missed the -40 temps of a few weeks ago.  That isn't fun by any means.  I am also driving here for the first time, and fearlessly walking on the snow cover.  The trees are still flocked from the snowfall 2 weeks ago as there is very little wind.  It truly is a wonderland.

 

Cathy

2012 - Suckiness with a few Silver Linings

The word to sum up 2012 is, sucks.  I usually try to focus on "the good" and "stay positive" because "everything has a reason", but this year just sucked.  I know there are plenty of people out there who would say, "I'd love for my life to suck as bad as hers."  Fine, say it, but it still sucked.  The year started off last January with the daughter of one of Jeremy's friends being killed in a freak car accident.  The year has ended, so far, with a dear friend of ours losing her son in a freak Christmas Eve accident.  And so many tears in between for our nation.  There is a hole in our hearts that only time can heal, but we will never be the same again.   

I don't want anyone to stop reading this to go search for their vodka.  Some of the sucky things that happened to us personally could "have a silver lining."  Therefore, I'll call this, 2012 suckiness with a, hopeful, few silver linings.


Silver Lining I

In March, while we were in Rome for the first time ever, which was amazing and beautiful and everything else it should be, KZ's then school sent home a note saying that she should see a speech therapist.  All along we had been told that she was "fine".  "Children develop at different rates," we were told.  "Don't worry."  But now, the school felt that she should see a therapist.  The therapist felt that we should have her hearing evaluated.  We went to Weill Cornell because they "really know how to evaluate children."  As I sat there, expecting to be told that KZ was just three and acted as a three year old acts.  I heard an entirely different story.  KZ was 50% deaf in each ear.  She heard as if she was underwater.  I was stunned ... and angry at myself for not catching it earlier.  All the doctors told us it was not our fault, but still, here we were.  She was turning four soon and couldn't hear.  Honestly, the fact that she was doing as well as she was was pretty amazing. 

Surgery, speech therapy, a new school, tutors to try to catch her up, working with her night and day, but at the same time trying not to turn her off and make her hate us or learning, was our life.  "This is fun, isn't it KZ!"  Instead of just letting her organically catch up, we had to work at it desperately because she needed to take her ERBs, the LSATs of kindergarten here in New York City ... I'm not joking.  She took the test, and scored off the charts on the non-verbal, and average on the verbal.  I was thrilled.  "She's AVERAGE and hasn't even been hearing fully for six months at the time of the test!"  No, not so good in New York City.  Average doesn't make it.  Now the schools may think that she has a learning disability because the scores are so far apart.   She may need special services, which they don't have.  They would prefer not to take a chance rather than have their rankings look bad. They don't want to take a chance on a student who they may "counsel out" (kick out), in a few years.  Where we are at to date:  KZ has to have what is called a neuro psych evaluation.  This is done to let the schools know that she either is just fine, or, that she does have something and what that something may be.  If the schools think they can work with what she may have, then great.  If not, well, then she may have to go to a school which offers the special services.  The neuro psych starts in January. 

Silver Lining -- If some special service is needed, we will find out about it now, at four and a half years old, and we can address it.  The experts feel that she would be all caught up by second grade at the latest, and then can join one of the schools that have empty spaces from the children who are being "counseled" out.  If she doesn't have anything wrong, great, we've proven it.  I'm not sure if I hate this city or love it.  If my brother had been diagnosed with dyslexia and ADD at four instead of in high school, he would have had a much different educational, and maybe life, experience overall.  Many, many people in NYC have told me that their children were caught early and have gone on to be successful adults.  I know this is true.  Right now, it is just the unknowing.  We applied to thirteen schools and, if we are lucky, may get into one of them ... the one that offers special services and is an hour one way to commute to each morning.  But hey, it's better than not having the option. 


Silver Lining II

While everything was going on with KZ's hearing, Jeremy decided that he should have his hearing checked.  I always told him, "You are either half deaf or just ignoring me."  Net/Net, 90% deaf in one ear, 10% deaf in the other.  As in the Z Bear's case, there was a surgery to fix his hearing.  He only had it done on the ear with the 90%.  The worse part for him was that he had to stay calm, not raising his blood pressure, for a solid week so not to damage the ear.  Also, he couldn't workout or run for a long time.  He did his first run on Dec. 30 without having issues.  The surgery was in May.  The worse part for me, his ear surgery was the day before KZ's.  Of course, KZ was jumping from the window ledge to the sofa the day after her surgery.  Jeremy, not so much.

Silver Lining -- At least now I know he really is ignoring me when he doesn't respond. 


Silver Lining III

In June, Kadou started acting a little bit too lazy even for a Shih Tzu.  I took him to the vet who, who after multiple tests, diagnosed him with multiple myeloma, giving him approximately 18 months to live.  I had a trip planned to Yosemite with KZ and a friend from London the next day.  Ten days later, while I was in California, Kadou passed.  Jeremy handled everything on his own, and didn't even tell me until I dropped off the car at the San Francisco airport.  I cried on the flight all the way home.  KZ was a sweetheart.  She said, "I'm sad, but I'm really sad for Jake.  They were best friends, who would Jake play with?"  My little one just turned four years old, could just hear, and insisted that we find Jake a friend at a shelter.  We found Kaycee (who was already named), an eleven and a half year old female Shih Tzu, who fit perfectly into our family.  We were told that the owner moved and couldn't take her.  Not that many people are willing to adopt an older dog, but she was a perfect fit for our family.  Our vet thinks that the previous owner "moved" to an assisted living home.  Kaycee was too well taken care of to have been dumped for a better apartment, so to speak.  No one can replace Kadou, but Jake now has a new best friend. 

Silvery Linings -- 1)  Kadou did not suffer.  2)  We saved two dogs, Kaycee and Jake.  I don't know if Jake would have made it without a friend.  3)  KZ showed how empathic she was. 4)  We did not get the Hantavirues in Yosemite, which hit exactly when we were there!


Silver Lining IV

As some of you know, I've not updated my blog lately.  I didn't post during Hurricane Sandy.  Not because nothing happened, but because so much was happening I just didn't have the time.  I didn't post about the Massacre at Sandy Hook, because it was too close to home.  We didn't know the victims, but have friends who did know the victims personally.  I must say, I wasn't the best support.  I just cried way too much as they told their stories.  I haven't posted about the school process for KZ, because I really do want her to get into a school.  But I have been writing, and writing a lot.  I'm going to have a lot of material to post once KZ gets into a school. 

Silver Lining -- I just may have enough material to write the "Devil Wears Prada" (movie, not book version) of the kindergarten process here in New York City.


I don't want to sound ungrateful for the many good things that did happen this year.  One thing being that Jeremy is cancer free and doing great.  Another being that we did get KZ a piano and she took to it like a duck to water.  She takes lessons twice a week, for an hour at a time, and pays attention.  She even practices!  She had her first recital and nailed it.  I'm not worried that there is something wrong with her.  She's great, loving, and can speak her mine.  Our job as parents is to make sure she is the best KZ she can be.  We take our work seriously.

We have wonderful family and friends whom have supported us and us them.  Thank you all for being there.  May 2013 be a much better year for all of us, even if your 2012 was great.

Love, good health, and peace to you all,