"I CAN'T HEAR YOU, MOMMY!" KZ says as she runs away from me as I ask her to put away her shoes ... for the tenth time in the last ten minutes.
KZ sees me tripping over Jeremy's shoes all over the apartment. If daddy doesn't have to do it, why does she? Because KZ is still trainable.
"KZ ... SHOES!"
"Mommy, I want blueberries."
"If you want blueberries, then you need to put your shoes away."
She rolls her eyes then takes the shoes and throws them in the closet.
"That is not the way you put away your shoes. Neatly, please."
More eye rolling as she does it properly. It took about twelve and a half minutes, but she did it.
My head is spliting, my stomach hurts, and I'm one breath away from running away as well.
The poor kid doesn't know that she is wearing on my last nerve. It isn't her fault. She's fine. She's three and a half. She's doing exactly what she is suppose to do. The problem is with me. In a word, menopause.
I often heard people say, "Have your kids when your young You'll have more energy." Ok, energy is one thing, but no one ever mentioned menopause. What? Is that a dirty word? I wouldn't equate having no energy with menopause. I can always take a nap and get more energy, or use to. Menopause is a totally different thing ....
- hot flashes coupled with cold flashes -- I now dress in layers at all the time;
- night sweats -- which means I've not had a full night's sleep in years;
- loss of libido -- let's not talk about it;
- mood swings -- say tripping over Jeremy's shoes;
- sudden tears -- from an HSBC credit card commercial;
- fatigue -- not getting sleep helps that one;
- thinning hair on the entire body, except the face where it starts to grow;
- difficulty concentrating;
- difficulty concentrating;
- dizziness -- I checked, it's not a tumor;
- irregular periods -- because once every 28 days is so boring;
- weight gain -- and YES, I run and do yoga and watch my diet, thank you very much for the helpful suggestions;
- sudden bouts of bloating, which lead to the "When are you due?" moments;
- fingernails breaking -- which has never happened to me before;
- allergies -- such a fun process to figure this one out;
- rapid heart beat -- which happens to me at night and makes me think that I'm having a heart attack;
- depression, anxiety -- I won't even start because I don't want to drown my sorrows by eating cupcakes right now;
- irritability -- at almost anything. I use to count to 10, now I count to 100 then just walk away. It's safer that way;
- headaches -- for no reason at all, except that they just show up like an unannounced relative who wants to stay with you for a "little" while;
- panic attacks -- I have a problem walking down the streets of New York when they are crowded, which is most of the time;
- breast pain -- like when I was pregnant. It really hurts;
- and digestive problems such as indigestion, flatulence, gas pain, and nausea.
Oh what fun.
For those of you who aren't familiar with this lovely transition in a woman's life, the above is NOT the complete list of symptoms. It is a list of the symptoms that I have. And my darling, perfect three year old is in the middle of it.
Due to my blood clotting disorder, I cannot take HRT (hormone replacement therapy). But even if I could take it, I wouldn't. My mother took HRT for over thirty years. Yes, thirty years. I don't know why she did it, but what troubles me more is that the doctors kept giving it to her. After the thirty years, she ended up with breast cancer and had to have a double mastectomy.
I'm doing what I can to control my symptoms. I take vitamins under the guidance of my hematologist. He has prescribed over fifty, yes, 5-0, pills a day. They really do help with all the symptoms overall, but I still feel them to a degree. I try to do yoga once a day to get the calming effects. And, I really do back away when I just want to kick in people's teeth. So many people don't realize how close they've been. But honestly, what good would that do anybody, especially me since New York is full of lawyers and I don't want to be sued. This entire process does make me more empathic to other woman, and in hindsight, my mom. She went through it in her mid-30's. She didn't have a clue of what was hitting her, and no one was there to help her. Some crazy quack doctor gave her a miracle drug that took away her "pain", and she was sold. I have no idea what I would have done in her shoes. Yes, I do. I would have had taken the pill.
I've read multiple times that when women hit their 40's that they "know" themselves. They really don't put up with things or people that they did when they were younger. They always call it self-esteem. I'm going to call it menopause.
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