When I was little, I never liked boys. They were icky. They smelled funny, dressed badly, and were immature. I was no delicate flower myself. I road bikes, climbed trees, and played in and on all the new home construction sites. This was the late 1960's and early 1970's. OSHA didn't start until 1971, and it took them years to be concerned about little kids playing in construction sites. As I got older, the boys seemed to stay the same. We had three boys living next door to us -- two, four, and six years older than I. Their favorite activity was wiffle ball. Even in high school they played it. Even when I left home, and they were all in college or beyond, they were still living at home, playing wiffle ball.
"You're so immature," I would yell across the fence.
They laughed. But I'm sure their parents were ready for them to get the hell on with their lives.
Note to parents of boys: You are not doing your sons or future daughter-in-laws any favors by letting them live with you and play wiffle ball until they get married in their 30's or beyond. That is enabling immaturity. Yes, mom, I'm talking to you.
Since most boys were still very icky when I got into high school, what I found I was most attracted to was their brains. Smart people ruled. I was smart, and I wanted to hang out with the smart ones. Ok, so they didn't bathe that often or dress that well, but at least they could hold a conversation about more than the latest beer commercial on during the latest whatever game. I never laughed at the smart guys. I even knew way back then that they were the ones that the football player types would one day be working for.
When I got married the first time, I was so happy with my choice. I was only nineteen. He was thirty, with degrees from both MIT and the University of Chicago. He looked great on paper. Plus, he was the first man to ask me out who wasn't wearing a baseball cap or driving his father's car. I was sold. May I just say, not my best choice in the long run. After eleven abusive years, I learned much about myself including what I would and would not put up with.
I was, again, at the point of not being interested in boys. They still hadn't changed much. Sure, maybe they bathed more, dressed a bit better, but most were still immature. After a few years of being single, I decided I was just going to take a full year off of even thinking about dating ... and I did. It was wonderful! I really got to focus on what made me happy. Not what I needed to do to make me happy with someone else who needed to be made happy. No, just me, thank you. Towards the end of that year, I made a list of everything I was looking for in a significant other. I really boiled it down to the main things that I found were wrong with all my other relationships.
Here is what I came up with ...
1) He must be straight. I met plenty of men who were not sure, or maybe they were sure, but didn't want their families to know that they were gay. Come on, guys, this is the 21st Century, ok, the 20th Century back then. If you live north of the Mason Dixon Line, you are pretty much safe. If you don't, women beware when dating.
2) He must be single. Clarification ... not married, engaged, just broken up, "getting divorced" or "separated". Getting divorced or separated are just euphemisms for still married and having an affair. We've all have heard the lines, and maybe even believed them. If a man is truly interested in you, he needs to have burned his bridges. I'm not here to babysit, play therapist, or feel sorry for you. Move on!
3) He cannot live with his parents. Any man who is living with his parents after college is a nightmare waiting to happen. Again, I am not here to babysit a man unless I give birth to him. A man needs to be able to do his own laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, bill payments, etc. I don't want to be the next "mommy" in his life.
4) He must be gainfully employed. By gainfully, I don't mean the local Dairy Queen, unless he owns it, preferably a number of them. I didn't care if he made more than me, but he did have to have a real job.
I have also found that men have two basic rules when it comes to women,
1) The man must be taller. Even men married to uber tall super models have issues with this one. It is their lost, but do yourself a favor ladies, go for a taller guy. I'm 5'7", I learned this the hard way.
2) The man must make more money. Now, my husband will tell you that he would have no issues with my making more money. And I do think this one is changing, but I speak from my experience and that of some of my girlfriends. I have some very successful girlfriends who cannot get a second date after the man finds out how much money she makes ... or thinks he's figured it out. On the other hand, the guy may look at the woman as a meal ticket. A successful woman doesn't want a loser guy around. He needs to bring something to the relationship besides a stack of credit card bills.
So that's it, you say, only four basic rules plus the two "men rules"? Trust me, these are very hard to come by. Think of the single men you know, and see how many fit this criteria. I can even take my brother as an example. He only meets number 1 on this list. He's 44. I give full disclosure whenever anyone inquires about him.
I do want to give a few pieces of advice, especially to my girlfriends here in New York City, where there are more women than men ... approximately 210,000 more women than men.
1) BE SELF-CONFIDENT! Trust yourself and what you are doing. Walk proudly down the street, holding your shoulders back and your head up high. It truly doesn't matter what you look like. It matters that you are confident in that look.
2) RESPECT YOURSELF! As the saying goes, if you don't respect yourself, how can you expect anyone else to?
3) NEVER LOWER YOUR STANDARDS! After I made my above list, I met my second husband four days later. I've never been happier.
4) DO NOT CARE WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK! And I truly mean that, man or woman. I guess that means you can tell me to shut up also. Don't worry about finding someone to be your soul mate. Ugh, I gag thinking about that. Be your own soul mate. Do what is important to you. If you are true to you, then others will be attracted to you. I dated several men when I was younger who told me I was the sexiest woman they knew because I acted as if I didn't care. You know what, I wasn't acting.
No comments:
Post a Comment